Okay, this one is actually day 8. I’ve just done my burning, followed by my ‘catch my sneaky cat who sneaked out as I was going back inside’ thing. So that was fun. She is now lying in the hall outside my room, where I can see her from my door, attempting to look innocent.
Anyway. Burning went well enough. I seem to be getting a bit better at the burning the paper properly thing. But IDK. I wrote on both sides of the paper this time. I think a lot of this is also finding the right words for what it is I want to banish. It’s like I get to draft it over and over and over again until I find the right way to express what it is I want to be rid of.
Some of that stuff is fairly simple (fear of success, self-doubt, lack of confidence, etc) but the rest of the mental shit is more nebulous, and I’m not entirely sure how to word it properly. I’m operating on a Ma’atian precision sort of thing, where the precise words are what makes the magic work; anything less, and it just fizzles and dies and does nothing. So it’s finding the right words that’s hard, particularly for this sort of self-transformation work.
I have wondered, staring at my pieces of paper, whether these are indeed the right things to banish. That this is the core set of stuff I need out of my life in order to grow. And I guess a lot of the continuous drafting, and the continuous burning, at least gives me space to work through that, and maybe I’ll be closer to knowing those issues with more precision than I do now.
It’s not just a Words Mean Things sort of issue. A lot of this is also knowing myself well enough to be able to hone in on what it is I need to change. And that’s the stuff I haven’t really been writing about here because well, it’s internal shit.
I have done some decluttering this afternoon. This was the first time I tackled any of my Pagan stuff, and I went through all my scarves and altar clothes and statues and the two big storage boxes under my altar table. Going through all the crap I’ve been collecting and deciding what it is that I really need, that will really get used, and isn’t just here because I can’t bring myself to throw it out.
This is where the decluttering work begins to work on the self. It’s not just the hidden stuff now, it’s more visible. It’s not that I’m purely materialistic, but our stuff defines us in a number of ways. If you came into my room, you’d get a good idea of who I am and my personality from what I have on show. I keep the important stuff close to me.
My practice has changed so much over the past few years, and not just since I redid my room, and completely changed the way I build altars. I’ve never made a secret of how important statues are to me, and I have rather a lot of them. But there’s only so much space, and only so many that are still important to me, so actually going through that box of icons at the bottom of the linen cupboard, and deciding which ones I need to let go of, that was a big thing for me. It doesn’t sound like it, but it is. I rarely let go of my statues. But there comes a time where this is just holding me back, and honestly, ONE Ganesha statue is more than enough. So the others will have to go.
And I’ve had so many scarves and sarongs and its of fabric I’ve played around with as altar clothes, and honestly, I am getting to the point where I’ve almost settled on the ones I plan to use regularly. So the ones I don’t need are going as well. I think that filled three bags. (I have a LOT of scarves!)
On the plus side, you can now see the fierce Welsh flag hanging on the side of my shelf in front of the door. Y Ddraig Goch is now keeping an eye on anyone who comes into view. My mum’s dad, my granddad, carried that flag in ANZAC day marches. So it’s not just a flag for the sake of it. It’s family. It’s ancestors.
I’ve also started going through my books, and I’ve cleared at least a shelf’s length of them. All my Grand Champions horses (bar the two that represent Castor and Pollux) now fit on that shelf once more. Those toy horses, and maybe a couple of other things, are the only toys that are off-limits. I’m planning to thin down the soft toys, and the figurines, and only keep the ones I really love. And those Grand Champion horses, you will have to take them from my cold, dead hands. 😡 I have no idea how I would replace them if I had to, or now much I would spend trying to do so. They don’t make them anymore. I got my first mother and foal when I was six years old. I’ve had them almost as long as I can remember.
But of course there are other things that don’t mean that much to me, and are far, far easier to replace. (Which reminds me, I ought to photograph ALL of those horses and record their names somewhere because they are worth money.)
*gets lost on ebay looking for a mini paint stallion to replace the one I lost*
…Anyway. If that’s where my brain has gone, I suppose that’s me done for this one. I am also getting a migraine because wooo hormomes! So. Hopefully more insightful stuff tomorrow.